The Hungry Caterpillar

When I think about change, I think about caterpillars.

Like that hungry one in the storybook, all lumpy and green, emotionally eating his way through a wide variety of foodstuffs before pupating and emerging as a butterfly.

Sometimes I feel like that caterpillar, spinning a cocoon – up, up and around myself.

But other days, it’s like I’m going in reverse. Disassembling my own potential, thread by thread.

This has been a hard couple of weeks. I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety, which clings to me in a way that only anxiety can cling to a person. I knew that taking this internship would not be easy, and that I would struggle with some parts of myself that I have always tried to push away. But that process is painful. And there is nothing I can do but grit my teeth and let it run its course.

I think part of my anxiety comes from struggling with change, even if that change is a good thing for me. In this past 3 weeks, many things have shifted for me. I was living in Lantana Villas, in Bukit Antarabangsa with another intern, Danae, and a 50 something year old English man named Dave. Dave turned out to be a super huge ASSHOLE (I will not go into details), so I needed a quick solution to get out of a bad situation.

Over Hari Raya, which is a 2-day public holiday in Malaysia, to celebrate the end of Ramadan, I moved into a new apartment called The Astaria (pictured below), with another intern from my university (Kim) and an MSRI employee (Margot).

It’s a little bit ghetto…

While the place seemed too good to be true (it’s quite difficult to find a 6-month lease in Malaysia), we quickly realized that we had a bit of a cockroach problem, so I spent most of my week hyperventilating into a paper bag and sleeping with my eyes taped open.

Despite our rocky start, the landlord has been very accommodating, repairing windows, fixing showers and sending “the roach guy” to spray the kitchen and look at potential entry points, which are, for the record, EVERYWHERE, since cockroaches can flatten their bodies to fit into extremely small spaces, including cracks that are only 1/16 of an inch (1.5 millimeters) thick).  PUKE.

Anyways, although a lot has happened as of late, I have found it a bit challenging to keep up with my blog. I want to keep up with my writing, but since I am in a going through a hungry, stressed-out, undergoing some kind of great change caterpillar mode, I’ve decided to forego my usual storytelling to post instead some of the things that make me happy in Kuala Lumpur. And in life in general.  

1.) Reader’s Paradise

I found a little shop in the Ampang Point mall, close to my work, called Reader’s Paradise, where you can rent books for 6 ringgits, or $2.00 Canadian.

So far, I have read 3 books.

It is an exciting thing, when you open a book, and fall in love with the first passage. It is even more exciting when you stumble across a valley of words and letters that somehow, together, spell out ideas that you have always carried with you, but have never known how to articulate.

My favorite quotes, from each book, that I had the forethought to earmark, are below.

From Love in the Time of Cholera

“He allowed himself to be swayed by his conviction that human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but that life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.”

From The Gift of Rain

“When you are lost, in this world or on the continent of time itself, remember who you have been and you will know who you are. These people were all you, and you are them.”

From The Kite Runner

“For you, a thousand times over.”

2.) Rat Fights

In addition to the hundreds of stray cats that wander the streets near our apartment, there are also SO many rats. Like, I see about 5 – 6 rats per day. And they are enormous, much bigger than Yoda. The other day, my Italian roommate Margot, who makes me laugh more than anyone I have ever met, glanced over to the patch of grass near our house, and said, in her sing-song Italian accent.

 “There are two rats fighting over there.”

And so there were.

And,  as we discussed what they might be fighting about (ex: cheese,  ex-girlfriend, bought the same sweater, etc.), I thought to myself, how strange it is to be here, in this moment that I will never be in again. 

3.) Burnout Fitness Centre

When I arrived in KL, I bought a 6 month pass for a gym really close to my work, called Burnout Fitness. It’s the most ridiculous gym I have ever been into, but it has become a staple in my routine. I go 2 – 3 times during the week during my lunch hour. I love it because it’s almost always empty + they blast electronic music SO LOUD and sell Gatorade from a grass hut.

4.) Yousician

About 2 weeks ago, I bought a guitar, and I have been fiddling around with this super awesome app on my phone, called Yousician. It’s kind of like playing Guitar Hero, except you’re actually learning an instrument.

The app teaches you chords, and notes, and technique. I think I will eventually take some lessons with a real live person, but for the time being, this is enough.

5.) DuoLingo

I am learning Spanish! Every night, Margot and I sit down for half an hour and we practice nuestros Español with an app called Duolingo. I can now say really useless sentences like “los hombres necesito el bano” (the men need the bathroom!) and “tengo una gata” (I have a cat!).

6.) Yoda

I think I have decided to send Yoda back to Canada, which fills me with the utmost happiness. And so, I must now go through the process of getting him vaccinated, and organizing his “pet passport”. I love the idea though, of coming home after a year away, to the best little souvenir a girl could ever ask for.

7.) The Family Bundle

The Family Bundle is a Malaysian vintage clothing store where I go with Margot and Kim from time to time. I like to try on all of the old dresses.

8.) A Man Wearing a Plastic Bag on his head for No Apparent Reason

This needs no introduction

There are many more things, that I have not been able to capture in this blog post, which fill me with joy. It is in abundance here, and weaves its way into the fabric of every single day I have spent in this place.

And as I move through this land, all chaos, and dirt, and head-tilted, gap-toothed smiles, I know that I will be OK. And all of this hard work, and all of this joy, is transforming me. I may never be a butterfly. But maybe, just maybe, as I sit in my half-constructed cocoon, its walls perpetually growing and shrinking, I will learn that being a caterpillar isn't so bad. That maybe I'm not meant to be different, and the real change comes from accepting myself just as I am.