The first drop in the bucket

It is always difficult to start a blog. As a person who grapples with crippling self-doubt, I am forced to push past this incessant question, which slithers it's way into my head every time I endeavor to take on something new.

"Am I worth it?". 

It's not easy to do things for yourself.

About one year ago, I went through a fairly tumultuous relationship, and I was forced to examine some very deep and dysfunctional parts of myself. And through this difficult process, I discovered that I am, what some health professionals deem, co-dependent.

For those of you who don't know, codependency has been referred to as the disease of a lost self, which sounds terrifying in its own right. But I know that, in some respects, I can identify with this definition, however inflated. My self is not lost, but it is buried under an excessive reliance on other people for approval and identity. 

What gives me solace is that we are all a little bit co-dependant. Except for those unicorns out there, who don't need anybody or anything to get by, and even then, they probably fall on the other end of the spectrum, where perhaps they can't open themselves up to trust or be vulnerable.

What I am getting at is that we are all a little bit crazy. And that's OK. 

 Musings from Philosoraptor 

This is something I've learned over the years, and many of you may disagree, but I feel it in my bones. And there is nothing wrong with falling outside of "the norm", so long as it doesn't negatively impact your life. And if it does, then maybe you should work on it. Or at least try to be aware of it. Embodied awareness, where you accept it as a part of all that you are. Own the crazy. Make it yours. 

My own unique blend of madness has led me on all kinds of adventures. And through it, I have found love. Fierce love, all fire and passion and darkness and light. The kind of love that reminds you that you are human. And another kind of love that takes you in its arms, guiding you softly, tenderly, away from the heat. But the most important thing I have discovered, in admitting that I am just a little bit off my rocker, is self-love. And this is absolutely the hardest to come by, in my opinion.

"Am I worth it?"

This question is always there. And finding self-love means that the resounding answer to this question must always be yes. I'm at a point in my life, where I am about 60/40. Sometimes I say yes, and sometimes I take the easy way out.

Which leads me to where I am today. 

Sitting in a muggy room on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur in the district of Ampang. 

I chose to say yes to an experience that has taken me entirely out of my comfort zone. Away from my friends and family, like a fledgling bird whose got no idea where the hell she is going but knows it's too late now to go back to the nest. 

Below is a journal entry from my first day in the city, attempting to detail this vibrant and transformative landscape:

"We take the train to KL Sentral from the airport. On the way to the station, the scenery is surprisingly lush and green, the land terraced and teeming with palm trees. In amongst the trees, you can spot the odd man, arms taut and brown, chopping leaves or piling dirt. There are also shaded areas housing cows, which seem a novelty in this foreign place, their brown hides gleaming with sweat. 

As we approach KL, the high rises at the centre of town come into view. It is a bustling metropolis, which spreads from the centre out into patchy ghettos on the outskirts of town. Here, many buildings lie stagnant, half-constructed with no signs of imminent completion. Cranes lie motionless, while banners indicating future vacancy flap haphazardly in the wind. The buildings seem to be scrubbed down with dirt, worn around the edges, but infused with a multitude of colours, as laundry hangs from the balconies to dry in the heat.

This is my city for the next 7 months."  

For those of you who don't know, Kuala Lumpur is the capital city of Malaysia

Over the course of this 7 months, I will be working at a refugee centre in Ampang, which services refugees from war-torn areas like Iraq, Iran, Palestine, Pakistan and Syria. This work will be difficult, but also so meaningful. I intend to travel for 5 months afterwards, to Bangladesh, India, Nepal, Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, Thailand and Singapore (mostly pictured on the map above). 

I sat for awhile this morning contemplating the name of this blog, because these are important things to think about! I chose "Caught in the Deluge" because the tropical rain in Kuala Lumpur is tremendous, and nearly impossible to move through. The word deluge has two meanings: one is to be caught in a great flood and the other is to be inundated with a great quantity of something. The something I have been inundated with in this city so far is indescribable. The smell of the streets. The way the heat mixes with the rain. The FOOD! My god... the food. I am already finding in this experience, and in myself, through this experience, something achingly beautiful. 

I know that I am on the right track in my life, and am doing some really good work on myself in the process. Because that is what we should do as humans, learn and grow, learn and grow. I can't wait to share my journey with all of you, the people I love most in the world. 

Until then, here are a couple of pictures to tide you over! 

The puppy who lives upstairs (her name is Colleen)

One of the busy streets in downtown KL

Laundry hanging from balconies

The man who delivers bread and other sweets